adulting.

IMG_6678

growing up is hard. growing up means you must become your own anchor, your own guiding force. you must discover on your own what makes you happy, what brings you down into the pit of despair.

i don’t handle emotions well. extremity is the basis of my day to day, fluctuating from high highs and low lows. finding a middle ground has been inextricably difficult.

i often think back to my childhood. a time when i don’t worry about the trivial day to day. a time when playing in a sprinkler brought pure joy, and the thoughts of how my body looked, or the words i spoke meant little or nothing to me. naive is the wrong word. freedom is.

searching to find the mentality of my former, confident, happy self is a daunting task. thoughts flash through my head like a strobe light, and i simply cannot seem to quiet the noise, the chaos, the complete lack of internal self awareness.

we often form boundaries from other people, from distressing or uncomfortable situations. but how do we find the wherewithal to form boundaries within our own minds? how do we enjoy the present moment without our minds wandering to the future, or the past, wrecking our systems with anxiety and doubt. future-tripping, self-doubt, stories. we all believe the stories we spin into our psyche – an intrinsically meshed brain of truth and misconceptions.

my peers tell me not to believe what you think. a thought is a thought. it will pass, if you can grasp it internally, recognize it, and let it go, send it back up to the sky, reminded raindrops from somewhere far above us.

sometimes i look at the stars. i see how little i am in this universe, the cosmos, the worlds we have yet to discover. trusting the process of life is difficult, but i can only ask myself to do what i can, to do my best with the tools i have been given. i am not perfect. i am where i am supposed to be. this notion, i seldom trust, but know it to be true.

letting go.

expectation is the thief of joy. open mindedness is essential. say yes more than you say no. you are enough, just as you are. and there is infinite beauty in that.